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Hardy to get knob out on CBeebies

Posted by Ed Williamson at 12:45 on 06 Apr 2017
Hardy to get knob out on CBeebies
Tom Hardy's popular stint on Bedtime Stories is to end with a series finale in which he just shows you his penis.

Man reassures Twitter followers he doesn't watch Bake-Off

Posted by Ed Williamson at 14:30 on 14 Sep 2016
Man reassures Twitter followers he doesn't watch Bake-Off
A man yesterday informed his 97 Twitter followers that he was uninterested in the day's trending story about the Great British Bake-Off because he had never seen it.

Corbyn only pretending not to know who Ant and Dec are

Posted by Ed Williamson at 22:00 on 17 Aug 2016
Corbyn only pretending not to know who Ant and Dec are
Jeremy Corbyn's claim not to know who Ant and Dec are has been exposed as bollocks.

DoorsWorld social media manager off sick today

Posted by Ed Williamson at 14:00 on 24 May 2016
DoorsWorld social media manager off sick today
Social media manager of DoorsWorld in Winchester Jez Hinds was today reported to be off sick on the one day he had a trending topic to jump on to.

It's nothing like that, say actual night managers

Posted by Ed Williamson at 23:50 on 06 Apr 2016
It's nothing like that, say actual night managers
Night managers of UK hotels have reported that scenarios requiring them to infiltrate the organisations of rogue arms dealers are rare.

"It doesn't come up much if I'm honest," confirmed Darren Moxey of Hexham Premier Inn. "Mainly I just do sudokus.

"Once I had to prise open an old couple's window because it was stuck and they were too hot to sleep. And last year I had to change the battery in the smoke alarm on four because it was beeping every thirty seconds.

"No, we don't get a lot of emotionally damaged American ex-models in, shooting me sexually charged glances. Once we had a hen do stay and they made me dance with them in the foyer. But one of them knocked over the umbrella stand and I had to ask them all to go to bed.

"They grabbed my name badge and wouldn't give it back."

Jambo still in things

Posted by Ed Williamson at 12:00 on 10 Feb 2016
Jambo still in things
Jambo is still in things, a promotional picture for Line of Duty season three has confirmed.

Kurt Benson was believed not to be in things as we went to press.

A spokesperson for Bazz FM said her client was unavailable for comment, leading to speculation that Bazz FM might be in things again soon, possibly a Taggart reboot.

Men sit at table in tantalising first-look House of Cards image

Posted by Ed Williamson at 22:00 on 02 Feb 2016
Men sit at table in tantalising first-look House of Cards image
Breaking new ground as ever, Netflix has today released this first look at House of Cards season four, confirming that all 13 episodes will consist of President Underwood talking to RoboCop at a table. The sixth will consist entirely of Frank's acerbic asides to camera, such as "Get a load of this bell-end!" It will then be all anyone talks about for a week because it's on Netflix.

Cumberbatch to seek less innuendo-friendly stage role

Posted by Ed Williamson at 15:30 on 11 Aug 2015
Cumberbatch to seek less innuendo-friendly stage role
Benedict Cumberbatch has today announced that the potential for innuendo around his Hamlet has made the role untenable.

Noel Edmonds knows secrets of existence, is still game-show host

Posted by Ed Williamson at 14:30 on 05 Aug 2015
Noel Edmonds knows secrets of existence, is still game-show host
Noel Edmonds has revealed in an interview with the Daily Mirror that human beings do not in fact die, and are composed only of energy. The corporeal form is merely a host for this energy, which becomes "part of a massive, incomprehensible universal web of energy" on its expiration.

"There isn't such a thing as death, it's just departure," he confirmed. "You cannot die. It's been known for a very long time."

Meanwhile, sufferers worldwide breathed a sigh of relief as Edmonds assured them that Aids is not a problem at all.

The biggest problem we have is not Ebola, it's not Aids, it's electro smog.

The Wi-Fi and all of the systems that we are introducing into our lives are destroying our own natural electro-magnetic fields. All you are is energy, remember that.
In full knowledge of the secrets of the cosmos and the meaning of existence, Edmonds continues to present a game show in which contestants open a series of red boxes.

Hannibal season four episode titles revealed

Posted by Ed Williamson at 23:45 on 21 Jun 2015
Hannibal season four episode titles revealed
1. Waffles
2. A Pasty from the Garage
3. Ham Bap
4. Zinger Tower Meal
5. Prawn Ring
6. Rib 'n' Saucy Nik-Naks
7. Big Dairy Milk on Offer in Smiths
8. Olympic Breakfast
9. Chips
10. Crunch Corner
11. Had Some of That Beef Left Over So Just Did That with Some Spuds
12. Quavers
13. Kinder Bueno