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Posted by Ed Williamson at 10:30 on 19 Jun 2015
The news came as Top Gear announced that auditions for its presenting roles alongside new host Chris Evans were open to literally everyone but May.
"What is he for?" pondered BBC Director-General Tony Hall in a statement. "I suppose you could keep him in the kitchen and use his fingers as a mug tree. Or he could double as a keep-left sign if he could remember to point to the left."
"I don't even have a car," confirmed May, making himself comfortable between the artificial Christmas tree and a big box of Duplo.
Posted by Ed Williamson at 23:30 on 10 Mar 2015
Hammond, 45, was asked to present the show in Clarkson's absence but, on realising none of his bigger mates were around, only went red and mumbled something about how he got loads of girls and his uncle owned a BMX factory. James May refused on the grounds of being literally incapable of anything.
Clarkson was predicted to end up doing really well out of the whole thing somehow and to have his cause tirelessly championed by people who think speed cameras are enforced by Sharia law or something.
Posted by Ed Williamson at 23:45 on 28 Nov 2012