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It's been a hard week for love: Gwen, Gavin, Zayn, Perrie, Miss Piggy and Kermit all took a one-way trip to Splitsville. Could this week's Catfish be the love story we've been waiting for? No, because love is dead, people are shit and everyone and everything is shit.
This week it's another Catfish curveball: Nev and Max did their Googling on behalf of an actual rapper. This is like finding out something you couldn't believe was true was indeed true after all. I can't help but feel I should be working harder on these openings.
This week, Nasa's announced the discovery of Kepler452b, or "Earth 2.0", a "habitable" planet that orbits a star similar to our sun and may even have water. If you've ever seen the excellent film Another Earth, you'll be aware of the theory of a parallel Earth, which is identical to ours in every way. There could be another you, but one who took a different direction in life; another version of you who risked taking chances. What if you managed to find a way there and killed off the other version of you, taking on their life? What if they tried to come here and were jealous of your life? Essentially, the boffins have discovered a planet full of potential catfish, ready to take on your life at a moment's notice and start saying all sort of shit about you, and no one would be any the wiser.
Guys, I'm starting to worry there's trouble in paradise. Max and Nev are bickering in the opening to this week's Catfish, after we've been waiting so long for them to come back. Maybe they're in a rut; maybe Max's head has been turned after working with Zac Efron, I don't know. Please don't let this be the end, guys. We've been through so much together. Consider this an open plea to not split up.
"Muuuuuu-uuummmmm, noooo!" That was the background noise to my formative years. To this day my mum still insists on grabbing my hand when crossing the road and takes great delight in telling all and sundry about whatever embarrassing ailment I may have. But not even she would have the stones to use TV to "teach me a lesson." But then my mum's not Aurora from Texas.
There are a few things in this world that I'm scared of. Horses. Moths. John Barrowman. And now, this week's catfish. Spoiler: this week's episode is like staring into the abyss and seeing all four staring back at you – but they all have your face
Tonight, on a very special Catfish: enough about protein shake ads on the tube: the real body-shamers are Nev and Max, who bust out the first "Secret Fatty" theory of the season.
The events in this week's episode are the reason why I have trust issues. It's no wonder Max took off for five weeks.
Guess who's back – back again. Max is back! Tell a friend! Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back.
Everything is right in the world and I am overjoyed.
This week's episode of Catfish comes from Third Earth, when Nev and guest host Alex Shaffer answer a distress call from female Thunderian noble Chitara, whose precognitive sense has warned her that a tabby she has been communicating with may not have been an actual ThunderCat.
OK, so it's not, but that's not going to stop me from making as many ThunderCats references as possible, based on the fact that this week's Catfishee is called Chitara.