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"Muuuuuu-uuummmmm, noooo!" That was the background noise to my formative years. To this day my mum still insists on grabbing my hand when crossing the road and takes great delight in telling all and sundry about whatever embarrassing ailment I may have. But not even she would have the stones to use TV to "teach me a lesson." But then my mum's not Aurora from Texas.
There are a few things in this world that I'm scared of. Horses. Moths. John Barrowman. And now, this week's catfish. Spoiler: this week's episode is like staring into the abyss and seeing all four staring back at you – but they all have your face
Tonight, on a very special Catfish: enough about protein shake ads on the tube: the real body-shamers are Nev and Max, who bust out the first "Secret Fatty" theory of the season.
The events in this week's episode are the reason why I have trust issues. It's no wonder Max took off for five weeks.
Guess who's back – back again. Max is back! Tell a friend! Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back.
Everything is right in the world and I am overjoyed.
This week's episode of Catfish comes from Third Earth, when Nev and guest host Alex Shaffer answer a distress call from female Thunderian noble Chitara, whose precognitive sense has warned her that a tabby she has been communicating with may not have been an actual ThunderCat.
OK, so it's not, but that's not going to stop me from making as many ThunderCats references as possible, based on the fact that this week's Catfishee is called Chitara.
The official episode synopsis for this week's episode reads: "After helping with troubles at home, a man refuses to speak to his love interest on the phone." You, me and a million others, love. Spoiler alert: this episode may as well have been entitled "He's just not that into you".
Here's a fun little game to play: it's called "How To Work Out Your Catfish Name"!
1. Think of a well-known, luxurious brand
2. Spell it phonetically
3. Then take the colour of your socks.
Mine is Versarchee Left-Something-Red-In-A-White-Wash.
Last week I joked about the eroticism of Catfish. Based on the evidence of the latest episode, I obviously had no idea what I was on about. With the shift in society's attitudes and the increasing role of technology in human interaction, sexuality is less black and white and more of a broad spectrum; therefore it's almost apt that this week Catfish introduced us to a man who wanked himself stupid thinking about women's feet.
Oh Catfish, how I've missed you. Monday nights just weren't the same without the overwhelming eroticism that is the bromance between co-hosts Nev Schulman and Max Joseph. And now it's back, but in a shocking format twist Max is out of action for six episodes making a film with his new BFF Zac Efron. Nev seems cool with it but I know he's just as upset as I am. Fuck Efron and his quiffy hair.