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Probably the easiest way to turn yourself into an online pariah or to bait hate-clickers right now is to say you feel sorry for Dapper Laughs, so it's a good job I don't. Fifteen minutes of fame is as much as his act merited. But I did get the sense, watching him being skewered by Emily Maitliss on Newsnight this week, that he hadn't quite appreciated that there's a difference between being an internet star and a TV personality, and that the two arenas have different rules.
No one makes engaging drama about the people who built the first British railways, do they? No, we just get documentaries about it on BBC4 presented by men in cardigans. Did the British railway pioneers spend half their time shooting folk, throwing back sippin' whisky and frequenting mobile brothels? Probably not, and anyway, no one wants to see them do it.
In an astonishing category sweep on Monday night, Ant and Dec went home with two Bafta awards: one for Best TV Presenter Duo From The Greater Tyne-Tees Area and one for Best Two People Who Often Stand Near Each Other. "We are delighted," said AntDec. "It was a shame to miss out on Most Obvious Beneficiaries Of The Viewing Public's Low Expectations, but you can't win them all." They were later hit in pubs.
"His schedule was a bit tight, so we just got him to photobomb Shirley MacLaine and the guy who was a paedo headmaster in that episode of Cracker," confirmed Julian Fellowes, through mouthfuls of roast swan. "His hat is from my own collection. It is fashioned from pure gold."
Viewers were left non-plussed by the performance of Miley Cyrus on Saturday's edition of The X Factor, taking to social media to lament the absence of a transparent headline-grabbing stunt of some kind.
"It was hugely disappointing," wrote one. "I tuned in on the assumption that she might turn up on stage, get her bum out and stab a dwarf to death, or shit in her dungarees and use them like a catapult to fling it at the audience. But she just sat on this weird hill and sang a song about construction plant that I'm almost certain she isn't licensed to operate.
"A woman in her position has a duty to set feminism back by at least ten years with each appearance on television, and I for one will not stand for this."
Fresh from completing filming on the last Poirot it is physically possible to do because Agatha Christie didn't actually write any more, David Suchet has announced his intention to "just do them all again from the beginning".
X Factor boyband evictees Kingsland Road are to be honoured by the London Borough of Hackney, which has announced its plan to name a street after them. "It seems a fitting tribute," a council spokesperson confirmed. "We regret that for safety reasons we are unable to invite them to the unveiling ceremony, however, because the railway bridge where it runs into Shoreditch High Street is quite low, and their hair is so very tall."
Professional father and crier Peter Andre has exclusively revealed that he's actually not all that bothered about his children.
Sorry, it's just I've only just got into it. More posters here.
Posted by Ed
at 23:00 on 21 Jul 2013