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You could look at The Missing two ways, I suppose. Either it was ultimately about what happened to the kid or about what his disappearance did to his parents. The latter was more interesting to me but the finale tried a bit too hard to satisfy on both counts, letting them cancel each other out in the end. (Spoilers.)
So far we've said goodbye to Dapper Laughs, The Sad-Eyed Woman, Fabulous Stephen, Lauren The Bratz Doll, Pamela (nope, me neither), The Sockless Wanker and finally, last week Fat Daddy Felipe got the chop and it was like seeing a pug being put to sleep.
Still left in the competition we have Sanjay whose name baffles me, Sarah Millican's younger sister, Rocket Surgeon Mark, Danyewl (how?), Solomon Blue Suit, Bianca and her million different shades of pink lipstick, and Roisin who I always forget is around. There are still more people left in The Apprentice than have auditioned for The X Factor over the past 10 years. Is our licence fee paying for all those taxis that ferry them around?
Obviously I don't watch The Apprentice, because it is among the litany of modern cultural images intended to discourage individual thought, divert our notions of aspiration towards dreams of meaningless celebrity, and make us dumb, compliant and less likely to rise up and overthrow the shadowy conservative plutocracy that owns the media. But I've recapped last night's episode anyway for funzies.
Remember when Wednesdays were fun? When you could do as you wanted and not be a slave to the corporate machine? I miss those days.
All Apprentice and no play makes Becky a dull girl All Apprentice and no play makes Becky a dull girl All Apprentice and no play makes Becky a dull girl All Apprentice and no play makes Becky a dull girl
Probably the easiest way to turn yourself into an online pariah or to bait hate-clickers right now is to say you feel sorry for Dapper Laughs, so it's a good job I don't. Fifteen minutes of fame is as much as his act merited. But I did get the sense, watching him being skewered by Emily Maitliss on Newsnight this week, that he hadn't quite appreciated that there's a difference between being an internet star and a TV personality, and that the two arenas have different rules.
Just when I thought it was on the brink, The Apprentice pulls itself from the wreckage of last week's Coach Trip disaster
and delivers another doozy of an episode. I may just push back my trip to Dignitas for another week.
Thankfully this week's episode was much less dramatic. Following the sucker punch that was last week's triple firing, I don't think my heart could have taken it. However, it did mean we got the worst. Episode. Ever.
I've loved Eastenders since I started back on it, but the return of a character as one-note as Nick Cotton, while familiar and not unwelcome, reminds you what soaps are like when they don't bother with characterisation. Yes, we know, Nick: you're a bad man, everything you do is bad without any real reason why, and all your clothes are accordingly black. Tell us a new one.
Apologies for the spoilerish title, but holy fuck, what just happened? I actually think I'm about to have an aneurysm. This is peak Apprentice, people; we're through the looking glass.