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Because they have chips at casinos. You know, as tokens for the ... you stopped reading these weeks ago, didn't you?
Ahhh, the sea. She is a cruel mistress. This week, not one but two contestants will be taking a power nap with the fishes as the remaining Apprentices are lost at sea for this week's task. The boat show must go on.
As I said back in December
, continuing to watch The Apprentice in the event of a Trump presidency would be a discomfiting experience. And so it proves. The only light at the end of this tunnel is that the prospect of Lord Sugar becoming a ranting far-right demagogue who wins power in the UK is laughably slim, because engaging an audience, or even convincing one that he is more than barely alive, is not really his strong point.
These are testing times: as we approach the series finale of 2016 AKA That Was The Worst Year That Was, this time next week we could be watching our hapless Apprenti flapping around while a man whose name is a northern euphemism for passing wind could be leader of the free world. Speaking of hot air …
I think there must be some mistake. This week's task appeared to be one that actually tested the candidates' sales acumen, a skill that might prove useful to Lord Sugar in a potential business partner, without requiring them to manufacture the items themselves, dress up as the Pet Shop Boys or learn Morris dancing. If he's not careful he'll end up with a viable commercial proposition on his hands.
How much fudge could a fudge packer pack, if the person packing fudge was after a £250,000 investment for his sausage factory? Monsieur, with these ridiculous tasks you are really spoiling us.
"If you're building a business," notes project manager Jessica, "you need team players." A fair point, but one which neglects two things: on The Apprentice they aren't building a business; they're dancing like monkeys while a rich man watches, and the "team players" are participating in a process in which their colleagues' failure is their gain. Wait, I think I've cracked it.
Creeping out of the darkness like The Great British Bake Off's evil twisted twin, The Apprentice returns for its twelfth series. Somewhere in an alternate universe, Lord Sugar is now Prime Minister and Claude is Chief Hangman at the newly reinstated London Dungeon. I want to go to there.
I could go into the whys and wherefores as to why I'm almost three weeks late with this recap, but let's just say it was a combination of festive cheer, booze and a could-be-serious internet gambling addiction.
This week, I shall be shamelessly working in references to Star Wars in order to boost SEO, so you can do one, weather-girl. This is my wheelhouse.