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Simon Cowell

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Just wait till he thinks he can sing, parents tell Cowell

Posted by Ed Williamson at 23:30 on 16 Feb 2014
Just wait till he thinks he can sing, parents tell Cowell
Parents across the UK congratulated Simon Cowell on the birth of his son this weekend, while delighting in anticipation that the boy would one day want to pursue a singing career.

Have another dozen on us, says Cowell publicity team

Posted by Ed Williamson at 23:00 on 11 Jun 2013
Have another dozen on us, says Cowell publicity team
The goons who keep Simon Cowell's publicity machine rumbling on like some sort of vast, unrelenting, Gulag-bound people-carrier tonight offered free eggs for anyone else who wants to do them a massive favour.

Cowell DJ reality show judges "to be pilled off their swedes"

Posted by Ed Williamson at 21:00 on 27 Jan 2012
Cowell DJ reality show judges "to be pilled off their swedes"
The judges in Simon Cowell's forthcoming X Factor-style DJ talent show are to ingest a cocktail of mind-altering substances in order to properly appraise the contestants, it has emerged.

X Factor USA evictee reacts with admirable self-restraint

Posted by Ed Williamson at 17:14 on 09 Dec 2011
X Factor USA evictee reacts with admirable self-restraint
X Factor USA contestant Rachel Crow was eliminated from the competition last night. She pretty much took it on the chin.

Four other names Simon Cowell might call Rhythmix

Posted by Ed Williamson at 23:30 on 26 Oct 2011
Four other names Simon Cowell might call Rhythmix
Children's charity Rhythmix have got proper shirty with Simon Cowell for using their name for X Factor girl band Rhythmix. Wait, I thought Tulisa chose the name? And the songs every week? You mean ... ?

Five shamefully horrid things Gary Barlow has recently done

Posted by Ed Williamson at 09:56 on 26 Aug 2011
Five shamefully horrid things Gary Barlow has recently done
We at are frankly sickened by what a nasty piece of work Gary Barlow has become of late. Why, it's almost as if an extremely lucrative job he recently secured requires him to pretend to be thoroughly unpleasant.

Cowell to resume pumping cheap, tacky shit into your home

Posted by Ed Williamson at 16:45 on 13 Aug 2011
Cowell to resume pumping cheap, tacky shit into your home
Anyone else noticed a marked dumbing down of our content recently? Like we should give two fucks about ITV gameshows. I blame Matt personally. He once told me Band of Brothers would've been better with a text-in voting system and a gunge tank.

5-step guide to winning The X Factor

Posted by Matt Looker at 08:00 on 11 Aug 2011
5-step guide to winning The X Factor
After years of watching nightmare auditions by half-arsed mentalists, I�ve developed this can�t-lose, idiot-proof plan to winning The X Factor. If I didn�t sound like a demented bear when I sing, I�d even give it a try myself.