Cowell DJ reality show judges "to be pilled off their swedes"

The judges in Simon Cowell's forthcoming X Factor-style DJ talent show are to ingest a cocktail of mind-altering substances in order to properly appraise the contestants, it has emerged.
Simon Cowell today shocked the British viewing public with the news that the judges on his talent show for DJs would be required to get smacked off their tits on ecstasy bongs before each episode, informing the assembled members of the press:

He went on to outline in detail the substances he would be providing. They included a gram of Michael Flatley's meringue, a couple of really Benny disco harpoons, some intravenous Tizer, fifteen jumping Mertesackers and a gloryhole.

Cowell was later photographed in his garden, bummed off his custard on moxidrephalone.

Approached for his reaction to the news, noted disc jockey and purveyor of drums and basses Temper D observed:

When asked whether he was confident that the reality talent show medium was suitable to allow the casual viewer to discern the relative abilities of DJs and that it wouldn't simply turn into a glorified popularity contest, Cowell simply held up his wallet and asked: "We've met before, right?"
Thanks to Temper D for his quote. He is an actual human friend of mine and a DJ and producer who drops fat dubplates on the regular. You can check out the bass he provides for your face at www.temperd.co.uk and buy his new release, the Behaving Like Insects EP, at beatport.com.