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Cumberbatch to seek less innuendo-friendly stage role

Posted by Ed Williamson at 15:30 on 11 Aug 2015
Cumberbatch to seek less innuendo-friendly stage role
Benedict Cumberbatch has today announced that the potential for innuendo around his Hamlet has made the role untenable.

Noel Edmonds knows secrets of existence, is still game-show host

Posted by Ed Williamson at 14:30 on 05 Aug 2015
Noel Edmonds knows secrets of existence, is still game-show host
Noel Edmonds has revealed in an interview with the Daily Mirror that human beings do not in fact die, and are composed only of energy. The corporeal form is merely a host for this energy, which becomes "part of a massive, incomprehensible universal web of energy" on its expiration.

"There isn't such a thing as death, it's just departure," he confirmed. "You cannot die. It's been known for a very long time."

Meanwhile, sufferers worldwide breathed a sigh of relief as Edmonds assured them that Aids is not a problem at all.

The biggest problem we have is not Ebola, it's not Aids, it's electro smog.

The Wi-Fi and all of the systems that we are introducing into our lives are destroying our own natural electro-magnetic fields. All you are is energy, remember that.
In full knowledge of the secrets of the cosmos and the meaning of existence, Edmonds continues to present a game show in which contestants open a series of red boxes.

Six things that might actually be bloody going on in True Detective

Posted by Ed Williamson at 11:30 on 31 Jul 2015
Six things that might actually be bloody going on in True Detective
Yeah no, the bit where he gets shot by a crow? That's a metaphor for ... I want to say the war in Iraq? Don't worry, I'm all over this.

Sherlock sits like this because Sherlock is clever

Posted by Ed Williamson at 22:00 on 09 Jul 2015
Sherlock sits like this because Sherlock is clever
This method of sitting and style of leather armchair is in the public domain and thus no iteration of Sherlock Holmes can claim it as its sole intellectual property. They only didn't use it in Mr Holmes because Ian McKellen is like ninety and he couldn't manage it without his knees cracking.

(NB no, Google Images doesn't have any pictures of Robert Downey Jr's Holmes sitting like this. My point still stands.)

Hannibal season four episode titles revealed

Posted by Ed Williamson at 23:45 on 21 Jun 2015
Hannibal season four episode titles revealed
1. Waffles
2. A Pasty from the Garage
3. Ham Bap
4. Zinger Tower Meal
5. Prawn Ring
6. Rib 'n' Saucy Nik-Naks
7. Big Dairy Milk on Offer in Smiths
8. Olympic Breakfast
9. Chips
10. Crunch Corner
11. Had Some of That Beef Left Over So Just Did That with Some Spuds
12. Quavers
13. Kinder Bueno

James May to be switched off

Posted by Ed Williamson at 10:30 on 19 Jun 2015
James May to be switched off
With the already-tenuous purpose of James May now defunct, he is to be unplugged and put away in a box in the attic.

The news came as Top Gear announced that auditions for its presenting roles alongside new host Chris Evans were open to literally everyone but May.

"What is he
for?" pondered BBC Director-General Tony Hall in a statement. "I suppose you could keep him in the kitchen and use his fingers as a mug tree. Or he could double as a keep-left sign if he could remember to point to the left."

"I don't even have a car," confirmed May, making himself comfortable between the artificial Christmas tree and a big box of Duplo.

Mad Men: season 7, episode 14 recap: "Person to Person"

Posted by Ed Williamson at 11:30 on 21 May 2015
Mad Men: season 7, episode 14 recap: "Person to Person"
As I've said more than once before, and will repeat endlessly until someone tells me how clever I am, Mad Men has chronicled the decade in which ideas first became commodities. Its ending demonstrates how the sixties were an age in which everyone had ideas all the time – Let's open a gallery in this old shed! Let's move to San Francisco and paint wooden eggs! – and how people gradually filtered out all this noise and made sense of it all.

Mad Men: season 7, episode 13 recap: "The Milk and Honey Route"

Posted by Ed Williamson at 13:00 on 17 May 2015
Mad Men: season 7, episode 13 recap: "The Milk and Honey Route"
Betty Francis took a lot of shit down the years, from her husbands, from her daughter and from Mad Men viewers insistent on judging her by contemporary standards of parenting and womanhood. Maybe she's due a reappraisal.

Mad Men: season 7, episode 12 recap: "Lost Horizon"

Posted by Ed Williamson at 23:00 on 10 May 2015
Mad Men: season 7, episode 12 recap: "Lost Horizon"
Sometimes Mad Men makes me doubt my own intellect, something that usually happens only when I wake up and survey the remnants of a wholly unnecessary Dallas Chicken meal bought drunkenly the night before. But there lives an intellectual joust within the self on watching high-quality, subtext-laden TV. Am I getting it "right"? If I type my interpretations into Google, will I find others think the same, thereby validating me? Or if I announce them in public will I be scorned by my peers for missing the allegory? Well, this time I'm going for broke. "Lost Horizon" is all about God.

50 things you didn't know about Claude Littner

Posted by Becky Mather, Matt Looker, Ed Williamson, Ali Gray at 15:30 on 06 May 2015
50 things you didn't know about Claude Littner
Proof, if proof be needed, that if you wish hard enough for something it comes true, Lord Sugar has announced that Claude "The Gentleman Thug" Littner will replace Nick Hewer on the next season of The Apprentice. So in honour of the man who gives middle-managers from the East Midlands nightmares (and of me calling it all the way back in December), here are 50 facts that are definitely true about Claude.