Social media manager of DoorsWorld in Winchester Jez Hinds was today reported to be off sick on the one day he had a trending topic to jump on to.
If Eastenders were realistic, there'd be no Peggy Mitchells. Hers is a London where a pub landlady can return after six years and be greeted warmly in the street by tens of people still living there, all bound together by family ties and regular community events, rather than vaguely recognising each other as the person they used to be on the same daily train commute with and avoiding eye contact. But that's not the point.
Dayman! Uhh-AHH-ahh! Fighter of the Night Manager! Is all I could think of when I heard the title. Then I found out it had House and Loki in it, and I was on board, although still mainly for the Dayman thing.
Night managers of UK hotels have reported that scenarios requiring them to infiltrate the organisations of rogue arms dealers are rare.
"It doesn't come up much if I'm honest," confirmed Darren Moxey of Hexham Premier Inn. "Mainly I just do sudokus.
"Once I had to prise open an old couple's window because it was stuck and they were too hot to sleep. And last year I had to change the battery in the smoke alarm on four because it was beeping every thirty seconds.
"No, we don't get a lot of emotionally damaged American ex-models in, shooting me sexually charged glances. Once we had a hen do stay and they made me dance with them in the foyer. But one of them knocked over the umbrella stand and I had to ask them all to go to bed.
"They grabbed my name badge and wouldn't give it back."
Jambo is still in things, a promotional picture for Line of Duty season three has confirmed.
Kurt Benson was believed not to be in things as we went to press.
A spokesperson for Bazz FM said her client was unavailable for comment, leading to speculation that Bazz FM might be in things again soon, possibly a Taggart reboot.
Breaking new ground as ever, Netflix has today released this first look at House of Cards season four, confirming that all 13 episodes will consist of President Underwood talking to RoboCop at a table. The sixth will consist entirely of Frank's acerbic asides to camera, such as "Get a load of this bell-end!" It will then be all anyone talks about for a week because it's on Netflix.
I almost did it. Almost went my first Christmas period for five years without having to think about the end-of-year list. But then I thought of you, who is reading this now, and even though statistically you most likely are either my mother or the Googlebot spider, I decided I couldn't let you down. Also I'm on hold to TalkTalk and have nothing else to fill the time.
It is easy to forget, now it is embedded in the BBC's Christmas run-up scheduling, that The Apprentice is a US import, based on an original built around Donald Trump. Fast-forward two years and imagine he is now President of the United States, and has banned all immigration by Muslims. Could we really continue dispassionately to watch Lord Sugar sit in a chair warmed by a proponent of ethnic cleansing, unaccountably making people build sandcastles as a 12-week aptitude test and purging those who failed? You'd have to argue the connotations made it inappropriate.
The Deaders are back, and Rick's playing Lemmings on the Mayhem level. "Let's go!"
Benedict Cumberbatch has today announced that the potential for innuendo around his Hamlet has made the role untenable.