After years of affecting to be above it all like the dickhead I am, it finally happened. I cared who won The Apprentice. "Alana's has the less risk of the two business plans," I said to myself. "Surely Lord Sugar will see that; what self-respecting businessman wouldn't?" Well played, 2016. You win.
There's one man left and five women, just like that dream I keep having about being overpowered by the female Gladiators.
Heard tell on social media that there's a huge twist coming in Westworld? Whichever character it involves, allow us to simplify it for you.
Because they have chips at casinos. You know, as tokens for the ... you stopped reading these weeks ago, didn't you?
As I said back in December
, continuing to watch The Apprentice in the event of a Trump presidency would be a discomfiting experience. And so it proves. The only light at the end of this tunnel is that the prospect of Lord Sugar becoming a ranting far-right demagogue who wins power in the UK is laughably slim, because engaging an audience, or even convincing one that he is more than barely alive, is not really his strong point.
I think there must be some mistake. This week's task appeared to be one that actually tested the candidates' sales acumen, a skill that might prove useful to Lord Sugar in a potential business partner, without requiring them to manufacture the items themselves, dress up as the Pet Shop Boys or learn Morris dancing. If he's not careful he'll end up with a viable commercial proposition on his hands.
"If you're building a business," notes project manager Jessica, "you need team players." A fair point, but one which neglects two things: on The Apprentice they aren't building a business; they're dancing like monkeys while a rich man watches, and the "team players" are participating in a process in which their colleagues' failure is their gain. Wait, I think I've cracked it.
On TV this week: one journalist wrestles with his conscience and tries to understand where he went wrong, while another discusses with undisguised glee how he exploited a young woman's murder for personal gain.
A man yesterday informed his 97 Twitter followers that he was uninterested in the day's trending story about the Great British Bake-Off because he had never seen it.
Jeremy Corbyn's claim not to know who Ant and Dec are has been exposed as bollocks.