Apologies for the spoilerish title, but holy fuck, what just happened? I actually think I'm about to have an aneurysm. This is peak Apprentice, people; we're through the looking glass.
In an exclusive interview, everyone from The Walking Dead has professed their total confidence that some random punter they met can cure the zombie pandemic if they get him to Washington.
It's 4am. The phone rings at The Apprentice house and it's Lord Sugar himself. He's not calling about this week's task; he just fancies a chat because he's been up all night worrying that Nick's written something horrible about him in his Book of Secrets. After reassuring a tearful Alan that it's probably all in his mind, the candidates are assembled at the Royal Exchange, but no one can quite look him in the eye.
The current series of Doctor Who has been one of the most successful in recent years. The episodes have been pretty much universally praised by critics and fans alike, and the reaction to the latest incarnation of the Doctor, played by Peter Capaldi, has been unanimously positive. So why aren't I enjoying it as much as everyone else seems to be?
So black-belt Chiles has been given the chop from The Apprentice, but there are still 576 hopefuls left. Due to BBC scheduling, even though we're only on the second episode I can't remember what my life was like before this year's series started: when Lord Sugar announced that he is "the judge, jury and executioner" I hoped he would grant me the sweet release of death.
Closer research reveals this is the 2010 film Chicago Overcoat, repackaged for its UK DVD release in 2013. It's almost as if they were trying to capitalise on Boardwalk Empire's popularity over here. (Though it isn't especially popular over here, so nice job all round.)
It's been 10 years and yet an Apprentice has still not managed to get the coveted Christmas No. 1. To improve his chances, Lord Sugar has widened the pool to 20 prospective "partners", thereby giving me 20 chances to swear at the TV on a Wednesday evening.
I should like to draw your attention to the fact that a 29-year-old Yorkshireman called Marc Pickering is currently playing a young Nucky Thompson in Boardwalk Empire's flashback scenes, and giving the best Steve Buscemi impersonation you're likely to see.
I admit to not being a fountain of good ideas when it comes to this website. Which is why the opportunity to embed a load of people's tweets about a controversial episode of Eastenders is a ruddy godsend.
This is going to be great. I always loved how darkly surreal it was, and the guy who was like a reverse midget in a dream or something. Even just listening to the theme tune again brings back memories.