Great questions of our time: if a tree falls in a forest with no one to see it, does it still make a sound? What is the sound of one hand clapping? Can you be stalked by someone you've never met? At least one of these will be answered in this week's Catfish.
Apologies for the lack of recaps recently. I took the One Direction news a lot harder than I expected. And just like their impending "break", this episode of Catfish left me with more questions than answers.
Benedict Cumberbatch has today announced that the potential for innuendo around his Hamlet has made the role untenable.
It's been a hard week for love: Gwen, Gavin, Zayn, Perrie, Miss Piggy and Kermit all took a one-way trip to Splitsville. Could this week's Catfish be the love story we've been waiting for? No, because love is dead, people are shit and everyone and everything is shit.
Noel Edmonds has revealed in an interview with the
Daily Mirror that human beings do not in fact die, and are composed only of energy. The corporeal form is merely a host for this energy, which becomes "part of a massive, incomprehensible universal web of energy" on its expiration.
"There isn't such a thing as death, it's just departure," he confirmed. "You cannot die. It's been known for a very long time."
Meanwhile, sufferers worldwide breathed a sigh of relief as Edmonds assured them that Aids is not a problem at all.
In full knowledge of the secrets of the cosmos and the meaning of existence, Edmonds continues to present a game show in which contestants open a series of red boxes.
The biggest problem we have is not Ebola, it's not Aids, it's electro smog.
The Wi-Fi and all of the systems that we are introducing into our lives are destroying our own natural electro-magnetic fields. All you are is energy, remember that.
This week it's another Catfish curveball: Nev and Max did their Googling on behalf of an actual rapper. This is like finding out something you couldn't believe was true was indeed true after all. I can't help but feel I should be working harder on these openings.
Yeah no, the bit where he gets shot by a crow? That's a metaphor for ... I want to say the war in Iraq? Don't worry, I'm all over this.
This week, Nasa's announced the discovery of Kepler452b, or "Earth 2.0", a "habitable" planet that orbits a star similar to our sun and may even have water. If you've ever seen the excellent film Another Earth, you'll be aware of the theory of a parallel Earth, which is identical to ours in every way. There could be another you, but one who took a different direction in life; another version of you who risked taking chances. What if you managed to find a way there and killed off the other version of you, taking on their life? What if they tried to come here and were jealous of your life? Essentially, the boffins have discovered a planet full of potential catfish, ready to take on your life at a moment's notice and start saying all sort of shit about you, and no one would be any the wiser.
Guys, I'm starting to worry there's trouble in paradise. Max and Nev are bickering in the opening to this week's Catfish, after we've been waiting so long for them to come back. Maybe they're in a rut; maybe Max's head has been turned after working with Zac Efron, I don't know. Please don't let this be the end, guys. We've been through so much together. Consider this an open plea to not split up.
This method of sitting and style of leather armchair is in the public domain and thus no iteration of Sherlock Holmes can claim it as its sole intellectual property. They only didn't use it in Mr Holmes because Ian McKellen is like ninety and he couldn't manage it without his knees cracking.
(NB no, Google Images doesn't have any pictures of Robert Downey Jr's Holmes sitting like this. My point still stands.)