Here's a fun little game to play: it's called "How To Work Out Your Catfish Name"!
1. Think of a well-known, luxurious brand
2. Spell it phonetically
3. Then take the colour of your socks.
Mine is Versarchee Left-Something-Red-In-A-White-Wash.
Last week I joked about the eroticism of Catfish. Based on the evidence of the latest episode, I obviously had no idea what I was on about. With the shift in society's attitudes and the increasing role of technology in human interaction, sexuality is less black and white and more of a broad spectrum; therefore it's almost apt that this week Catfish introduced us to a man who wanked himself stupid thinking about women's feet.
The BBC has confirmed reports that Richard Hammond provoked the fracas between presenter and opinion-fabricator Jeremy Clarkson and a Top Gear producer. He then ran behind Clarkson and at intervals poked his tiny head into view to say "Yeah!" while the larger man conducted the argument. When the altercation turned physical he did little except aim a kick at the producer when he was on the ground and then back away hurriedly.
Hammond, 45, was asked to present the show in Clarkson's absence but, on realising none of his bigger mates were around, only went red and mumbled something about how he got loads of girls and his uncle owned a BMX factory. James May refused on the grounds of being literally incapable of anything.
Clarkson was predicted to end up doing really well out of the whole thing somehow and to have his cause tirelessly championed by people who think speed cameras are enforced by Sharia law or something.
Oh Catfish, how I've missed you. Monday nights just weren't the same without the overwhelming eroticism that is the bromance between co-hosts Nev Schulman and Max Joseph. And now it's back, but in a shocking format twist Max is out of action for six episodes making a film with his new BFF Zac Efron. Nev seems cool with it but I know he's just as upset as I am. Fuck Efron and his quiffy hair.
This trailer suggests the TV show deviates wildly from the classic Buzzfeed list article so beloved by millions of share-hungry fans. First the whole Seven Samurai debacle and now this.
Wesley Snipes's TV pilot, Endgame, definitely won't go to shit in a shopping trolley, insiders say.
"There's no safer pair of hands in the business than Snipes," said an NBC executive. "If you want someone to show up on time, be content with the modest rider laid on in his trailer and get on famously with the creative team, that's Wesley. That's why I didn't hesitate to personally approve his casting.
"Hot in here, isn't it? I feel like it's hot in here."
American politics is a right old carry-on. They have ballot papers designed by Chad Michael Murray and they don't even have a rich family they pay a huge annual salary to nonce off teenage girls and dress up as Nazis at parties. If only House of Cards made it easier to understand WAIT IT DOES
In the knowledge that this is a pretty big deal for Eastenders and they really don't want it to be an anticlimax, there's every chance the BBC are going to throw a massive curveball when it comes to unveiling Lucy Beale's murderer. What if it's not one of the 14 characters to whom they claim to have narrowed it down? What if it's someone else? What if it's you
? Actually, forget that last one; I got overexcited.
"He spun us some shit about the avian wonders of the jungles of New Guinea," explained a BBC executive, "but then he sent in an hour's worth of him hanging around with a load of page 3 girls. It's mainly just him saying stuff like 'Cor, bet you don't get many of those to the pound!' and chasing them round his garden."
"Paid the cost to be the boss," explained Attenborough, smoking a massive cigar in a jacuzzi.
I went to the Fortitude premiere and they gave me a free bagel and the fake snow got stuck to my shoes and Christopher Eccleston had evidently really tied one on by the time they got round to the Q&A.