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Cumberbatch to seek less innuendo-friendly stage role

Posted by Ed Williamson at 15:30 on 11 Aug 2015
Cumberbatch to seek less innuendo-friendly stage role
Benedict Cumberbatch has today announced that the potential for innuendo around his Hamlet has made the role untenable.

Catfish: season 4, episode 15 recap: "Thad and Sara"

Posted by Becky Mather at 22:00 on 10 Aug 2015
Catfish: season 4, episode 15 recap: "Thad and Sara"
It's been a hard week for love: Gwen, Gavin, Zayn, Perrie, Miss Piggy and Kermit all took a one-way trip to Splitsville. Could this week's Catfish be the love story we've been waiting for? No, because love is dead, people are shit and everyone and everything is shit.

Noel Edmonds knows secrets of existence, is still game-show host

Posted by Ed Williamson at 14:30 on 05 Aug 2015
Noel Edmonds knows secrets of existence, is still game-show host
Noel Edmonds has revealed in an interview with the Daily Mirror that human beings do not in fact die, and are composed only of energy. The corporeal form is merely a host for this energy, which becomes "part of a massive, incomprehensible universal web of energy" on its expiration.

"There isn't such a thing as death, it's just departure," he confirmed. "You cannot die. It's been known for a very long time."

Meanwhile, sufferers worldwide breathed a sigh of relief as Edmonds assured them that Aids is not a problem at all.

The biggest problem we have is not Ebola, it's not Aids, it's electro smog.

The Wi-Fi and all of the systems that we are introducing into our lives are destroying our own natural electro-magnetic fields. All you are is energy, remember that.
In full knowledge of the secrets of the cosmos and the meaning of existence, Edmonds continues to present a game show in which contestants open a series of red boxes.

Catfish: season 4, episode 14 recap: "Prophet and Trinity"

Posted by Becky Mather at 22:00 on 03 Aug 2015
Catfish: season 4, episode 14 recap: "Prophet and Trinity"
This week it's another Catfish curveball: Nev and Max did their Googling on behalf of an actual rapper. This is like finding out something you couldn't believe was true was indeed true after all. I can't help but feel I should be working harder on these openings.

Six things that might actually be bloody going on in True Detective

Posted by Ed Williamson at 11:30 on 31 Jul 2015
Six things that might actually be bloody going on in True Detective
Yeah no, the bit where he gets shot by a crow? That's a metaphor for ... I want to say the war in Iraq? Don't worry, I'm all over this.

Catfish: season 4, episode 13 recap: "Falesha and Jacqueline"

Posted by Becky Mather at 23:00 on 26 Jul 2015
Catfish: season 4, episode 13 recap: "Falesha and Jacqueline"
This week, Nasa's announced the discovery of Kepler452b, or "Earth 2.0", a "habitable" planet that orbits a star similar to our sun and may even have water. If you've ever seen the excellent film Another Earth, you'll be aware of the theory of a parallel Earth, which is identical to ours in every way. There could be another you, but one who took a different direction in life; another version of you who risked taking chances. What if you managed to find a way there and killed off the other version of you, taking on their life? What if they tried to come here and were jealous of your life? Essentially, the boffins have discovered a planet full of potential catfish, ready to take on your life at a moment's notice and start saying all sort of shit about you, and no one would be any the wiser.

Catfish: season 4, episode 12 recap: "Tiana and James"

Posted by Becky Mather at 22:00 on 20 Jul 2015
Catfish: season 4, episode 12 recap: "Tiana and James"
Guys, I'm starting to worry there's trouble in paradise. Max and Nev are bickering in the opening to this week's Catfish, after we've been waiting so long for them to come back. Maybe they're in a rut; maybe Max's head has been turned after working with Zac Efron, I don't know. Please don't let this be the end, guys. We've been through so much together. Consider this an open plea to not split up.

Sherlock sits like this because Sherlock is clever

Posted by Ed Williamson at 22:00 on 09 Jul 2015
Sherlock sits like this because Sherlock is clever
This method of sitting and style of leather armchair is in the public domain and thus no iteration of Sherlock Holmes can claim it as its sole intellectual property. They only didn't use it in Mr Holmes because Ian McKellen is like ninety and he couldn't manage it without his knees cracking.

(NB no, Google Images doesn't have any pictures of Robert Downey Jr's Holmes sitting like this. My point still stands.)

Hannibal season four episode titles revealed

Posted by Ed Williamson at 23:45 on 21 Jun 2015
Hannibal season four episode titles revealed
1. Waffles
2. A Pasty from the Garage
3. Ham Bap
4. Zinger Tower Meal
5. Prawn Ring
6. Rib 'n' Saucy Nik-Naks
7. Big Dairy Milk on Offer in Smiths
8. Olympic Breakfast
9. Chips
10. Crunch Corner
11. Had Some of That Beef Left Over So Just Did That with Some Spuds
12. Quavers
13. Kinder Bueno

James May to be switched off

Posted by Ed Williamson at 10:30 on 19 Jun 2015
James May to be switched off
With the already-tenuous purpose of James May now defunct, he is to be unplugged and put away in a box in the attic.

The news came as Top Gear announced that auditions for its presenting roles alongside new host Chris Evans were open to literally everyone but May.

"What is he
for?" pondered BBC Director-General Tony Hall in a statement. "I suppose you could keep him in the kitchen and use his fingers as a mug tree. Or he could double as a keep-left sign if he could remember to point to the left."

"I don't even have a car," confirmed May, making himself comfortable between the artificial Christmas tree and a big box of Duplo.