Social media manager of DoorsWorld in Winchester Jez Hinds was today reported to be off sick on the one day he had a trending topic to jump on to.
"There are greater things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt in your philosophy." Shakespeare, eh. He knew what was up. Tonight on a Very Special Catfish, Nev and Max are on the trail of a psychic sending messages to a young girl from her dead father, because busting makes them feel good.
If Eastenders were realistic, there'd be no Peggy Mitchells. Hers is a London where a pub landlady can return after six years and be greeted warmly in the street by tens of people still living there, all bound together by family ties and regular community events, rather than vaguely recognising each other as the person they used to be on the same daily train commute with and avoiding eye contact. But that's not the point.
Sadly there are no warring lesbians in this week's catch-up, but there is a woman called Tomorrow, and Nev and Max try to determine someone's identity from sonogram pictures. They're that good.
In this week's Catfish: a lesbian love triangle smackdown and maybe even a sex tape (*watches Google rankings improve*)
This week, Nev and Max met with 19-year-old Ray, who had never met his online girlfriend of four years, even though they only lived a few hours away from each other. Jesus, do we have to go through this sort of thing AGAIN? Why are the youth of today so stupid? Remember when it was batshit mental online vigilantes trying to catch out cheating boyfriends?
I'm starting to suspect people are only applying to go on Catfish to get a free stay in an Airbnb. Unless there's a mid-century Scandi furniture craze sweeping the nation and a country-wide sale on off-white paint, something (cat)fishy is definitely going on.
I'm starting to feel like Nev is trying to drop subtle hints to Max about his disappearing act. After Max went on "holiday"
now we have an actual ghost Catfish. Watch closely and you can see Nev slyly give Max the side-eye as they discuss this week's case of a catfish who suddenly disappeared and ceased all contact. When I eventually start my blog/self-help book (publishers are interested), I'm going to dedicate a whole chapter to "They're Not Dead, They're Avoiding You."
It's a brave man who decides to move across the country to live with a girl he's never met. Did I say brave? I mean stupid. Really, really stupid. But this week's catfishee Jaylin is determined to be with the girl he's never even talked to on the phone. So she's obviously a dude, right? Spoiler alert: in this week's Catfish, we learn that there are exceptions to every rule.
Dayman! Uhh-AHH-ahh! Fighter of the Night Manager! Is all I could think of when I heard the title. Then I found out it had House and Loki in it, and I was on board, although still mainly for the Dayman thing.
Night managers of UK hotels have reported that scenarios requiring them to infiltrate the organisations of rogue arms dealers are rare.
"It doesn't come up much if I'm honest," confirmed Darren Moxey of Hexham Premier Inn. "Mainly I just do sudokus.
"Once I had to prise open an old couple's window because it was stuck and they were too hot to sleep. And last year I had to change the battery in the smoke alarm on four because it was beeping every thirty seconds.
"No, we don't get a lot of emotionally damaged American ex-models in, shooting me sexually charged glances. Once we had a hen do stay and they made me dance with them in the foyer. But one of them knocked over the umbrella stand and I had to ask them all to go to bed.
"They grabbed my name badge and wouldn't give it back."